


The Mad Tea Party (Pinhead Remix)

by MissyJack



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Dark Comedy, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 19:32:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissyJack/pseuds/MissyJack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lilith and Ruby have afternoon tea in Hell and discuss the Winchester problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mad Tea Party (Pinhead Remix)

**Title:** The Mad Tea Party (Pinhead Remix)  
 **Author:** [](http://missyjack.livejournal.com/profile)[**missyjack**](http://missyjack.livejournal.com/)  
 **Words:** 2,000  
 **Beta** : Thanks to [](http://mel-b-angel.livejournal.com/profile)[**mel_b_angel**](http://mel-b-angel.livejournal.com/) and [](http://wendy.livejournal.com/profile)[**wendy**](http://wendy.livejournal.com/) for the great beta work.  
 **A/N:** A remix of [When it’s twelve o’clock, we climb the stair](http://cormallen.livejournal.com/79704.html) by [](http://cormallen.livejournal.com/profile)[**cormallen**](http://cormallen.livejournal.com/) for the [](http://kamikazeremix.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://kamikazeremix.livejournal.com/)**kamikazeremix** challenge. The original story is a wonderful, chilling work of Poe-esque horror where Sam gets Dean out of Hell - sort of. I got rather a large dollop of crack in the remix.  
 **Summary:** Lilith and Ruby have afternoon tea in Hell and discuss the Winchester problem.

>   
>  You left part of yourself back in the Pit. Let’s see if we can get the two of you back together again, shall we?  
> 
> 
> Alastair to Dean, ‘On The Head Of A Pin’
> 
>   
> 

  
  
~~~~~~

There was a table set out in front of the pits on the fourth level of Hell, and Lilith and Ruby were having afternoon tea. A gargoyle was sitting between them, fast asleep, and Lilith was using it as a cushion, resting her elbows on it, and talking over its head.

"Tea?"

Lilith - perched high on a stack of grimoires, religious texts, self help books and child pornography - reached over to the pot and hoisted it high over the cup in front of Ruby, who shivered despite the fires that burned eternally around them.

"Thank you."

The teapot looked to be made of the finest, most delicate bone china, so translucent that the flames could be seen glowing through it, making the pot appear lit from within. On closer inspection, Ruby could see that the vessel was fashioned from the skull of a small human child.

Lilith tipped the pot forward slightly, and a stream of steaming dark liquid filled her cup. When it was a bare quarter inch from the lip of the cup, she set the pot down on the table and indicated with a wave of her small chubby hand that Ruby should drink.

"So, you're quite the cunt, aren't you?"

Ruby paused for an instant, but then continued to sip, resisting the urge to react further either to Lilith's taunt or to the coppery tang as the liquid hit the back of her tongue.

"I hated to stop your torment, and just when things were getting excruciating, but curiosity got the better of me and I just had to have a chat and find out why the fuck you were helping those humans."

Ruby set her cup back on its saucer. While Lilith was presenting in the form of a small girl, as was her want, Ruby doubted Lilith had given her respite from her torture merely to satisfy some childish curiosity. No, she needed something from Ruby and that, for the first time since Lilith had flung her from her vessel, gave Ruby some leverage. But the fate of the whole grand plan still rested on two brothers.

"The Winchesters? Are they both dead then?"

~~~~~~  


>   
> Place the human being on its back on the rack where the gutting process is to take place. Spread its legs and arms and secure them to opposing corners. Severing the tendons behind the ankles will aid in achieving maximum elongation of the limbs. Slow stretching achieves the best results, causing the joints and vertebrae to dislocate one at a time. Do not omit to include some witty taunts and jibes during the process.
> 
> If using a vertical suspension, although this is not recommended for beginners, hooks through the meat of the shoulders and the calves are most effective.
> 
> While Hell offers many torments beyond the physical, the destruction of the soul begins with pain.
> 
>   
> From by "The Art of Soul Harvesting" by Alastair
> 
>   
> 

~~~~~~

"Well, Dean is here," said Lilith. "Although I bet he thought death would be rather more peaceful. After the hellhounds had finished, I gave Dean to Alastair, who is taking great delight in exercising his talents on him. So many demons that Dean destroyed, including dear, sweet Azazel. Sometimes I go and watch - Alastair is so creative. The other day he let me play cat's cradle with Dean's guts. That was fun!"

"And Sam?"

Lilith frowned and elbowed the gargoyle, which growled in annoyance before settling back to sleep.

"He proved... stronger than I expected." Lilith tossed her head. "I know he was Azazel's anointed one but you could hardly have expected him to lead some rebellion against _me_. I mean, he didn’t even seem particularly evil."

Ruby took another sip of the tea, or whatever warmed bodily fluid Lilith was serving, before answering.

"Lilith, the plan was never to challenge you. I should've come to you after Azazel was killed, but I thought I could do it myself, get his plan underway. I was wrong; I am too weak." Ruby bowed her head slightly, in what she hoped passed as contrition.

There was a bowl in the centre of the table, filled with what appeared to be very small, still beating hearts. Lilith plucked one from the top of the pile and popped it into her mouth.

"Tell me of this plan."

Ruby reached out, and picked up a heart. It was warm, and throbbed weakly in her fingers. She placed it to her mouth, and bit into it as if it were the first sweet strawberry of spring. A thin line of blood trickled from her lips.

"Remember the story of the sixty six seals?"

~~~~~~  


>   
> Techniques of psychological torture used include sensory deprivation, isolation, sleep deprivation, forced nudity, prolonged exposure to painful noise such as boy bands of the early 1990s, the use of hellhounds to instill fear, cultural and sexual humiliation, mock executions, and the threat of violence or death toward the damned soul or their loved ones. Prolonged exposure to reality television or day time talk shows are also particularly effective.
> 
> The aim of all torture is to remove the attachment between the subject and anything, or anyone else. Where connection remains, so do love and hope, and these will sustain a soul in the face of all assaults.
> 
> Break Them Down: Systematic Use of Psychological Torture by Alastair
> 
>   
> 

  
~~~~~~

"It is written that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in Hell. As he breaks, so shall it break," intoned Ruby.

Lilith waved a hand impatiently.

"Of course, I know the tales. It's said that an angel loyal to the Lightbearer discovered how God," Lilith said the word as if it tasted foul in her mouth, "had bound Lucifer. The archangels were pursuing him, so he hid what he knew in riddles and codes, but God smote him before he could reveal the key to reading them. Or so the story goes."

"It's not just a story, Lilith. It's true and Azazel worked out how to break the seals. All sixty-six of them. John Winchester was to be the first seal but Alistair could not get him to shed the blood of another. But it doesn't matter - now we have Dean. If Alastair can break him then it can all begin. Lucifer can be freed."

Lilith licked some blood from the tips of her fingers, and reached for the teapot.

"Then I think we may have a problem."

~~~~~~  


>   
> Every human carries a Shadow. It is everything in them that is unconscious, repressed, undeveloped and denied. It is the dark rejected aspects of their being but it can also contain light and undeveloped creativity.
> 
> Releasing the Demon Within - from a workshop for TV Network Executives by Alastair. 
> 
>   
> 

  
~~~~~~

"Sam Winchester is trying to save his brother.”

Ruby reached over and scratched the gargoyle between the eyes. She didn't know where they came from, probably the souls of aborted kitten fetuses or something, but they sure were cute.

"And in other surprising news, Hell is hot Lilith. No surprise there."

Lilith grabbed a cake fork and speared it into Ruby's hand.

"Owww."

"Smart-mouthed fucking bitch. He's not the only one. We caught an angel in the Vestibule of Doom."

Ruby cocked her head quizzically as she sucked at the wound left by the tiny tines.

"You know - off the Corridor of Terror near the Pits of... something unpleasant. The point is, after we plucked his feathers and ripped off his wings and teased him about the Mormons, he confessed he was here for …"

"Dean?" Ruby laughed. "Oh, that is brilliant! Don’t you see? If Heaven wants him out, then it means it's all true. Dean _is_ the righteous man who'll start the breaking of the seals!"

"Well, we better make sure we keep him then. The last thing we need is Sam and the angels teaming up to rescue Dean." Lilith twirled a lock of her her around a finger."You should go kill Sam."

"No! No, I can't. I mean, obviously I could, but he's part of it too. Azazel told me - it's more than just the demon blood in him, there's more -Sam has to be part of breaking the last seal."

"The first demon will be the last seal," mused Lilith. "So - I kill Sam to free Lucifer?"

Ruby took a cupcake from the tiered stand and picked at the icing thoughtfully for a moment.

"Azazel said you were integral to breaking the last seal." Careful, she thought to herself. It was far too soon to tell Lilith that it was _her_ head on stick that would free Lucifer. "As was Sam. It makes sense that the final seal would let you swing open the door for Him."

"Oh goodie." Lilith's eyes were bright and wide and she clapped her hands with glee, exactly like a six-year old at a tea party, and not at all like the oldest demon in creation anticipating the return of the Prince of Light to kick start the apocalypse.

~~~~~~  


>   
> The pains of hell include not only the pain of sense, but also of the pain of loss. _Poena damni_ , or punishment of loss is the sense of complete separation from God in so complete a separation of all the powers of the soul from God that it cannot find in Him even the least peace and rest. A vivid consciousness of utter abandonment by God, a more acute sense of shame and confusion over the empty desolation they feel at the absence of God.
> 
> Their consciousness that God, on Whom they entirely depend, is their enemy forever is overwhelming. Their consciousness of having, by their own deliberate folly, forfeited the highest blessings for transitory and delusive pleasures humiliates and depresses them beyond measure.
> 
> Or in Dean's case find: (God) replace all: (Sam)
> 
> Winchester For Dummies by Carver Edlund
> 
>   
> 

~~~~~~

"I may have a way to distract Sam, get him to stop trying to rescue Dean."

"Do tell," mumbled Lilith, her mouth crammed full of deep fried baby toes. "You should try these by the way - delicious."

Ruby thought fondly for a moment of fries and ketchup before crunching into a toe.

"We give him what he wants."

"Are you fucking crazy, you stupid whore?"

"Listen. Sam wants Dean. We need to get Dean to break. Now, no offense to Alastair, but he worked on these boys' dad for a century with no luck. What's to say Dean will break any easier?"

"True." Lilith wiped her greasy hands on the front of her white frock.

"I know Dean. I know Sam. There's a connection between them that is... so deep, so strong..."

"What?" laughed Lilith, "Are they soul bonded? Tweuly, ruley, meant to be together forever? Ohhh, were they _doing_ it?"

"Laugh if you want." Ruby was surprised she felt defensive, almost protective, of them. Huh.

"Bond, shmond," said Lilith dismissively. "I'm sure by now Alastair has told Dean Sam is dead, or has Dean believe he killed his brother and ate him with some barbecue sauce. Or that Sam went all demony and is torturing Dean."

"It won't work." said Ruby "because there's a part of Dean that belongs to Sam; _is_ part of Sam. And whatever he thinks he's done, or Sam's done, it's there for eternity. Unless we cut it out of him."

"How?"

Ruby tipped back the last of her tea. She could do this, manipulate Lilith and Alastair and the Winchesters and make the whole damn epic thing work.

She _was_ awesome.

"Dean's Shadow Self. The part of him that exists only for Sam - all that neediness and dark desire. The part that thinks he is nothing without Sam. We rip that from Dean, make it manifest and we send it to Sam.”

“We give him his Dean...”

Ruby nodded. “So Sam will stop trying to free Dean from Hell - stop praying and doing spells. And I'm betting without that part of himself, Dean will be up and gladly spilling the blood of the damned for us in no time."

"We redecorate around here with some sigils to keep the angels out. And then we can start breaking some seals and raising us some Hell."

Lilith reached across the table and kissed Ruby wetly on the mouth.

"Lucifer is coming."

~~~~~~  


> And fear ye not them that kill the body, and are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him that can destroy both soul and body in Hell.
> 
> Matthew: 10:27-29
> 
>   
> 

  



End file.
